Turned in a job application last week, haven't heard anything yet. Asked about it yesterday... "person responsible" wasn't in last week. Supposed to call Monday.

Per instructions (from my Doctor {Sigh}), I'm supposed to apply at USAJOBS. Not real enthusiastic about that. Sometimes the fact that I exited the Navy over ten years comes to mind... do my skills still count? Do I matter?

Yeah, depressed, alone, somewhat suicidal, frustrated, tired of fighting. Sometimes I do wonder if I even matter? Rather amazing how quiet it gets, how long it is between anyone calling, stopping by, how alone one truly is.

{Shrug} Another day...

I grew up being *very* independent. Never asked for help for anything really.

I'm educated to the hilt with calculus, physics, electronics, chemistry, nuclear reactor construction, operation, maintenance... the list goes on. My own hobbies are reading, electronics, computers... Yup, super geeky girl.

I once asked my mom to help me phrase a letter to a lawyer a few years back... mom got a funny look on her face and asked who I was... since the Loni she knew never did that. Didn't realize it was THAT strange for me to ask for something.

Several friends have recently helped me to survive this period, one has taken me to the clinics for meds and checkup/appointments... another bought kitty litter and kitten food for the little rascal who lives with me... and another helped with some bills.

I only asked the one person for help getting kitty litter... he and his girlfriend even got me some chips and a hot sandwich that afternoon too.

The others... I didn't ask. They just showed up. I suppose you never really know who your real friends are. Ever seen that email that goes around with the 'good friends' vs 'real friends'... ? That's what it's like with some of them.

A good friend will bail you out of jail.
----- A real friend will be sitting next you to in jail,
going "Oops! But that was fun!"
A good friend will never ask for food.
----- A real friend is the reason you have no food
A good friend wonders about your romantic history.
----- A real friend could blackmail you with it.

... and so on... search the web for more.

Sometimes I forget I have 'real' friends... been alone for so long, and moved so many times, it's hard to keep up and stay in touch. I've now lived here in this apartment for over 5 years. Which is the *longest* I have *ever* had the same address.

By last count (with mom's help), I've moved 35 times. 35 Addresses... I dread those application forms... please list your address(es) over the last 5 years... Thankfully, I've been HERE for the last 5... but those forms sucked!

Taking my meds... they upped my anti-depressants, helping to regulate my sleep better... used to be on a 30/12 kind of schedule, 30 up, 12 asleep... it's almost 18/6 lately... so that's a good thing.

Been helping people on the opensuse forums. Keep feeling guilty when I go off on a person. (hopefully) only done it twice now... but wow. I'm no guru..

I'm just me. A part wants to say "stupid ol' Loni"... but I'm not supposed to use words like that anymore. So the internal censor allows... "Loni"... since I'm not that old, and the official word is that I'm very far from stupid. {Sigh}. Stupid Censor in my head!

Been getting good feedback from some people on the forums too... guess i'm helping. Never know sometimes. I guess when they don't post again, then it's fixed, right? Or they just got fed up and decided not to return. {Shrug} Dunno.

Still want to curl up and hide some days. Still crying inside.

Dunno...

So I'm done essentially. I'll be evicted by the end of the month, electric will be turned off, cell phone, house phone, internet, water, insurance... it's all going away.

I've been fighting just to stay afloat for a while now, struggling with day to day issues, each waking a small choice to try some more, to fight some more.

No more. My kids haven't tried to contact me in months, I haven't a number or contact for them. I'm rejected by anyone I approach, and feel like an idiot anyways. No self-esteem, no self-confidence... all gone. I'm alone. Still. No one seems to care, I'm only useful when something breaks... I'm good at fixing things. yay.

'cept I can't fix myself. Kinda like the genie of the lamp... can do all except free himself. 'cept I'm no genie. Just a dumb bumpkin who's run out of steam.

I drive a large diesel truck, so driving into something would likely only damage the truck and not kill me. Damn! My kingdom for a Yugo! So that's out. I boiled it down to two choices... a stroll into traffic, between lights, where vehicles can get up to some decent speeds. splat. my dumb luck I'd survive.

Or a large knife, between the ribs, into the lung and upper chest cavity. A "sucking chest wound". Fun!!!

Yeah, either will hurt like a bitch I figure too... but pain's no stranger to me, not really.

I still want to write out a list of accounts that will require a copy of the death certificate to clear, might as well make it easier for someone to clean up. Had to do that too many times myself, after a person has left... and since no one else is privy to my marginal bookkeeping system... it would certainly help them to have it all written out.

account numbers, passwords, logins, etc. And a list of who should really get what... I know a friend who said she'd like the treadmill, another the computers, and so on.

Not that there's much really. just old junk. Even the computer is 3 years old.

That's all I can think of for now.